Comics

Panel 1 — "Eating in Public." A normal morning on a city street outside a King Soopers. A man rides a scooter, pedestrians wait at a WALK signal, a man munches a snack ("CRUNCH!"), a woman says "Good morning," and another man reads a newspaper. Nobody pays the eater any attention.

Panel 2 — "Eating in Prison." On the yard, an inmate in glasses takes a single bite of a honey bun. Instantly the whole yard reacts: "Is that a HONEY BUN??" "Can I have a bite?" "You just gonna EAT THAT in front of me?" "NUM NUM NUM!" "How rude!" "Show-off!"

Panel 1. The warden, arms crossed at his desk: "We ordered COVID-19 tests for everyone in the prison..."

Panel 2. A nurse holding a syringe: "We vaccinated everyone in the prison..."

Panel 3. Two guards in tactical vests stand beside a box labeled "N-95 MASKS: 10,000,000." One says "We issued masks to everyone in the prison..." The other: "Money well-spent."

Panel 4. At Cell Block 3, maintenance workers install a new HVAC unit: "These new air filters will keep everyone in the prison healthy." Right beside the vent, an inmate lets loose a giant "AAACHOO!"

Panel 1. A committee table with WARDEN, A.W., and COUNSELOR nameplates. "Do you have any job skills?" Inmate: "I fixed cars before I came to prison..." Warden: "Okay, I'll place you in the vocational mechanics class." Counselor: "We also offer job placement once you go home." "Welcome to Slamcaster!"

Panel 2. "NEXT!" A new inmate: "I unclogged a toilet once..." Warden: "Time to unclog your criminal past and learn vocational plumbing!" "Drains, pipes, sinks — you name it, we teach it!" "Classes start next week!"

Panel 3. "NEXT!" Inmate: "I like Legos." Warden: "A man after my own heart. Vocational masonry will be perfect for you!" "Using cement and bricks to build a better future!" "We also provide state-issued Legos."

Panel 4. "NEXT!" Vinnie: "I'm an artist." Warden: "You're a WHAT!?" Counselor: "They sell pencils at canteen." "Have you considered the art of scrubbing toilets?"

Panel 1. A guard in a gadget-covered tactical vest escorts an inmate down a hallway toward a door marked SCHOOL: "You're here to interview for a job in the education department. Do you have any qualifications?"

Panel 2. Vinnie, arms flung wide: "Do I! I have a high school diploma and an associate's degree and a paralegal degree and perfect grammar and tutoring experience and created my own comic strip and..."

Panel 3. The guard cuts him off: "— Say no more... you're PERFECT!"

Panel 4. Vinnie glumly mops the hallway floor outside the school door, bucket at his side.

Panel 1. Two inmates square up on the yard: "What are you looking at, sucka??" "I'm looking at YOU, fool!" Onlookers stir the pot: "OOOO... he called you a sucka!" "So disrespectful!"

Panel 2. The bravado escalates: "I was born for this life!" "I never back down!" "Yeah, we NEVER back down." "We RUN this town!"

Panel 3. The brawl erupts: "Bring it on!" "It's been brung!" "No surrender!" "No retreat!" "To the death!" "Blood in, blood out!" "American Me!" "Attica! Attica!"

Panel 4. Guards respond: "The inmates are fighting!" "Bombs away!" A grenade arcs in. The yard scatters: "Smoke grenade! RUN!" "I can't breathe!" "I have asthma! I have asthma!" "MAN DOWN!" A lone hand rises from the smoke: "I'm too young to die!!!"

Panel 1. A staff instructor at a PODIUM addresses a room of inmates: "Only YOU can prevent violence." The board reads: "SELF-HELP CLASS — How to defuse tension: humor, empathy, humility."

Panel 2. Vinnie daydreams of heroically declaring "Stop! Fellow prisoners! Violence is not the answer!" while the crowd cheers: "He's right!" "Brilliant!" "Visionary!"

Panel 3. Later, two inmates square off: "Your heel scuffed my shoe!" "Your shoe scuffed my heel!" "Apologize!" "Never!" Vinnie steps in: "Friends, stop! There's a better way!"

Panel 4. Both fighters turn on him: "Stop? Don't tell me what to do." "Friends? We ain't friends." "Mind your business." "This is OUR fight, nosey geek." "Yeah, get the geek!" Vinnie: "Uh oh..."

Panel 1. A short inmate with THUG tattooed on his scalp eyes Vinnie's sneakers: "Are those the new Nike Pros?" Vinnie: "Yup. I just got them today."

Panel 2. The thug: "Sweet... go ahead and hand them over." Vinnie: "Excuse me?"

Panel 3. "Shoe-jack! Hand them over before I TAKE THEM." Vinnie smirks: "Take them? Heh heh... you and WHAT ARMY?"

Panel 4. A whole army of glowering inmates crowds in behind the thug, face tattoos reading 187, LA, 90210, and THUG LIFE. Vinnie, small in the crowd: "Uh-oh..."

Panel 1. The sergeant's office. An officer reports: "We need four officers for suicide-watch." Sergeant: "Approved."

Panel 2. "We need eight officers for medical transport." "Approved."

Panel 3. "Sir! We need SIXTEEN officers to search for a missing paperclip!" Sergeant, leaping up: "APPROVED! FIND THAT PAPERCLIP!!"

Panel 4. "We need two officers to run dayroom for the inmates." Sergeant: "Is that a JOKE??"

Panel 1. An inmate shouts through the chain-link fence at a hulking guard: "You're lucky this fence is here, copper!"

Panel 2. From the safety of his cell door window: "You're lucky I'm locked in my cell, PIG!"

Panel 3. Yelling up at the guard tower: "When you come down from that tower, I'm gonna clean your clock!"

Panel 4. Later, the enormous mustached guard looms over him beside a wall clock: "You were saying?" Inmate: "Ummm... your clock looks very dirty sir. May I clean it for you?"

Panel 1 — Visitor Processing, 9:00 a.m. At the Slamcaster State Prison visiting checkpoint: "NO BLACK HATS allowed in the visiting room, you need to take that back to your car." Visitor: "Darn! Okay, be right back."

Panel 2 — 11:00 a.m. "No black SHIRTS in the visiting room sir. Back to the car!" "Why didn't you tell me that when you told me... FINE, I'll be back."

Panel 3 — 1:00 p.m. "Didn't I tell you no black BOOTS in the visiting room?" "You said no black hats or shirts!! You said NOTHING about... (sigh) lemme guess, back to the car?"

Panel 4 — 3:00 p.m. Beside a sign reading "Visiting hours: 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.," one guard asks: "Why didn't you just tell him everything the first time?" The other: "Where's the fun in that? VISITING IS NOW CLOSED!" The visitor, stripped to his underwear, wails "NOooooooo!!!" as a final sign appears: "No black underwear in the visiting room..."

Panel 1 — Prison Mailroom. Two officers stamp a mountain of envelopes: "This mail is too heavy... DENIED!" "No colored paper... DENIED!" "Limit five greeting cards... DENIED!" "No cardstock... DENIED!" "No glitter... DENIED!"

Panel 2 — Receiving and Release (R&R). A row of officers keeps the streak alive: "No Sharpie markers... DENIED!" "No mechanical pencils... DENIED!" "No yellow sponges... DENIED!" "No plastic bags... DENIED!" "No whiteout... DENIED!" "No Windex... DENIED!"

Panel 3 — Property Room. A crowd of officers waves DENIED signs: "Limit five t-shirts... DENIED!" "No cologne... DENIED!" "No white towels... DENIED!" "No black underwear... DENIED!" "No cardboard... DENIED!" "No personal toilet paper... DENIED!"

Panel 4 — Supply Closet. Two officers stare at bare, cobwebbed shelves: "These damn inmates steal everything!" "There's no denying it." In the corner, one mouse asks another: "Parole?" "SQUEAK-NIED!"

Panel 1. Vinnie asks a hulking inmate: "What are the guards doing?" "They're searching my cell... GRRR." Behind them a guard tears through his property: "No speakers allowed! Altered TV? Confiscated! Too many books? Trashcan! Limit twenty pictures! Violation! Extra shoes? Donation box!"

Panel 2. "Well... how did your doctor's visit go?" The inmate hobbles on a bandaged foot: "The doctor broke my ankle trying to fix an ingrown toenail, then gave me heartburn pills for the pain... GRRRRRR..."

Panel 3. "Bad luck! Did you at least get the transfer you requested?" "Not exactly. Instead of moving me 300 miles closer to home, I'm getting sent 300 miles farther away! GRRRR..."

Panel 4. The inmate finally erupts, lid blowing off his head like a kettle: "GRRRRRRAWRR!!! Stupid prison bureaucracy is ruining my life!!!" Two guards watch impassively: "Inmates be crazy." "On the real!"

Panel 1. A newspaper headline reads "NEWS: California prisons DOUBLE wages for inmate workers." The yard celebrates: "It's truly amazing!" "Victory!" "This is our first pay raise in over thirty years!"

Panel 2. "This means I'll get a raise to 22 cents an hour!" "We're movin' on up!" "Now I can finally afford that COMB I've had my eye on!" "I'll take TWO honey buns this month, Jeeves!"

Panel 3. The gratitude flows over a "THANK YOU CDCR!" banner: "Blessings upon the California prison administration!" "So courageous!" "The end of modern day slavery has begun." "Bravo Sacramento!"

Panel 4. A CDCR memorandum: "We are pleased to announce that all prison jobs will be cut from 8 hours to 4 hours per day. This will allow more 'free time' for rehabilitative programs! Yay! Yours truly, Secretary of Corrections." Vinnie holds the memo, expression flat.

Panel 1. An aide briefs the DIRECTOR and SECRETARY: "Inmate 707 has severe mental health issues and a history of several staff assaults." Director: "Ship him to Slamcaster." Secretary: "Yeah, he'll HATE it there. Bon voyage, chuuuump!"

Panel 2. Two weeks later: "The inmate you sent to Slamcaster just assaulted another officer!" Director: "WHAT?! Lock down the prison! Search every cell! Cancel all visits, groups, classes, jobs — Slamcaster must be punished!"

Panel 3. The aide: "Weren't YOU the ones who sent him to Slamcaster? If anyone is 'punished', shouldn't it be YOU?" Dead silence from both men: "..." "..."

Panel 4. Both burst out laughing: "KIDDING!" "Oh gawd, you almost had me with that one!" "Us, punished! AS IF!"

Panel 1. At an office store — "500 sheets of paper... one dollar." A mom imagines her son's delight: "Wow! 500 sheets of paper! Thanks mom, you're the best!"

Panel 2 — Post Office. The clerk: "Your package weighs 13 ounces. The cost is $21.23."

Panel 3 — Mailroom. A guard gleefully works a calculator reading 13.01: "This package is one hundredth of an ounce over the limit. HA HA HA... DENIED!" Prison rule: "First class mail shall not exceed 13 ounces."

Panel 4. Mom stands at the mailbox with her package stamped RETURN TO SENDER: "Sigh..." Meanwhile on the yard, an inmate hawks a ream marked STATE PROPERTY: "500 sheets of STOLEN paper: one dollar!" Vinnie, behind bars: "Sigh."

Panel 1 — Speaking in my AA meeting. Vinnie addresses the group with ease: "Once I accepted that I was powerless over my addiction, a weight was lifted off my shoulders..."

Panel 2 — Speaking in my college class. Pointing at a stock chart labeled Robin Hood and Crypto.com: "The socio-economic view of stock trading in the U.S. has experienced a sea change following the switch to private trading platforms..."

Panel 3 — Speaking with my friends. "My biggest challenge this year was walking away from Tom after he punched me in the face because he didn't like my face..." His friends applaud: "Well-done!" "Great job!"

Panel 4 — Speaking in my parole hearing. Vinnie freezes, wide-eyed. His only thought: "YIP!"

Panel 1. A TV reporter with a camera crew: "We're here at Slamcaster Prison where some of the inmates train 'service dogs' to assist people from the local community."

Panel 2. "Can you tell us more about what you do here?" Inmate: "Yes ma'am! We teach the dogs to SIT and STAY—" Another chimes in: "—and FETCH!"

Panel 3. Reporter: "That's amazing! Thank you for sharing with us." Inmate: "Just trying to make the world a better place."

Panel 4 — Later. "Okay everyone, she's gone. Rex, FETCH my cellphone." "Rover, SIT on these drugs while the guards search cells." "Spot... RAISE? or STAY?" "WOOF!"

Panel 1. An officer holds up a censored magazine: "Playboy magazine? Denied. Publications depicting nudity are banned in Slamcaster." Footnote: "Censored per CCR Title 15 §3006(c)."

Panel 2. "Starship Troopers — denied. The Hangover — denied. Titanic — denied. Movies with brief nudity are banned in Slamcaster."

Panel 3. "Drawing books depicting breasts? Denied. National Geographic magazine with nipples? Denied. 'Slamcaster' comic strip with a doodle of an officer holding a Playboy magazine that has two round boobie-shaped circles? DENIED!"

Panel 4 — Later. "Sir, we rounded up all the inmates for the mass-strip-search—" "Excellent. Everyone get naked!" "And spread those cheeks! I need to see some HOLES people!"

Panel 1 — Monday morning, 7:00 a.m. An inmate stands ready, math book in hand. The loudspeaker: "Lockdown! Staff shortages. School is cancelled!"

Panel 2 — Tuesday morning, 7:00 a.m. "Education 'down-day': staff training. School has been cancelled."

Panel 3 — Wednesday/Thursday, 7:00 a.m. "The teacher took the day off. School is cancelled." The inmate dozes on his bunk under a science book: "I give up..."

Panel 4 — Friday morning, 7:05 a.m. The loudspeaker blares as he jolts awake, books scattered: "You missed school! You're getting a write-up for failure to report. You KNOW class starts at 7:00 a.m."

Panel 1. A man holds a woman at gunpoint at an ATM: "Gimme all your money!"

Panel 2. Another sprays a house with gunfire — "RATTA-TAT!" — yelling "Revenge for dissing my momma!"

Panel 3. A third speeds off in a stolen pickup as the owner chases: "That's my truck!" "So long sucker! Ha ha!"

Panel 4. The same men now grip the bars of their cells, indignant: "Breakfast is late... AGAIN." "Prison guards have NO compassion for human suffering."

Panel 1. Lightsabers crossed: "Luke... my son. Join me. Come to the dark side." "No father, YOU must join ME! Return to the light!"

Panel 2. Vader waves him off: "PFFFT! I could never come back. I've killed like a zillion people!" Luke: "Not true! The light-side can redeem you!"

Panel 3. Vader, walking off with Luke and a golden droid: "You know what? You're right! Darkside be damned, I'm giving it all up. Let's go home... SON."

Panel 4. News bulletin: "Darth Vader returns to the light side, immediately sentenced to LWOP for killing, like, a zillion people." Vader grips his cell bars: "Stupid f*#@$ light-side."

Panel 1 — Me watching "The Fast and the Furious" at age 20. Vinnie cheers at the screen: "WHOOO! Shoot 'em up baby! Petal to the metal!" "What? Brian is a cop? BOOOOO!!" Thumbs up: "VROOM VROOM!" "Nice cleavage sweetie, unzip that halter top! AOooooGA! HONK HONK!"

Panel 2 — Me watching "Fast Five" at age 40. Vinnie clutches his head: "Slow down you maniac! Someone's gonna get hurt!" "That's an illegal U-turn." "No no no, don't ram that cop car! POLICE ARE PEOPLE TOO!!" "Oh my god, are they dragging a SAFE behind those cars? Why Dom, why?" "No! There were PEOPLE in that bank lobby!" "Tsk tsk... NO respect for law and order." "That bikini is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE young lady!"

Panel 1 — The secret lives of "lifers." Hard-faced lifers glower on the yard: "THUG LIFE." "Kill or be killed." "GRRRRRR." "What are YOU looking at." "Hate stuff."

Panel 2 — Later... One lifer watches a wizard duel on TV, terrified: "Look out for Voldemort!" The TV: "AAAVARACADAVARA!" Lifer: "NOOOOOOo!"

Panel 3. Watching a ghost movie, biting his nails — the TV whispers "I see dead people." His only thought: "MOMMY!"

Panel 4. A romance plays — "You complete me." "You had me at hello." The lifer hugs himself and bawls: "BWAAAAA!"

Panel 1. The days drift by — Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. The loudspeaker drones: "Lockdown. Cell-feeding. No movement." Top bunk: "Lockdown? AGAIN?" Bottom bunk: "So depressing. Back to sleep..."

Panel 2. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. "Lockdown. No yard, no dayroom, NO JOY." "Lockdown is sucking my will to live." "Sleep away the pain. Zzzz..."

Panel 3. The day names pile into a solid wall of text. "Lockdown! No escape, no retreat, NO HOPE." "No surprise there." "No talking. Just wake me when I'm dead."

Panel 4 — Wednesday morning, 6:29 a.m. The loudspeaker: "HALF-A-MINUTE TO BREAKFAST!" Both inmates bolt upright in full panic: "Did they just say half-a-minute to chow??" "OMG! This has never happened before. What do I do? What do I do??"

Panel 1 — "Pole-Vaulting to Success." An inmate pole-vaults gracefully over the prison wall toward the parking lot.

Panel 2 — "Zen and the Art of Ladder Maintenance." Lesson 3: Rungs. While the class watches a slideshow, an inmate calmly scales the wall on a very well-maintained ladder.

Panel 3 — "Kama-Sutra for Beginners." The instructor beams: "Everyone partner up!" The all-male class looks profoundly uncomfortable.

Panel 4 — "Cobra Kai Self-Defense." A headband-wearing sensei drills the class: "Strike first, strike hard." The inmates chant back: "NO MERCY!"

Panel 1. Vinnie reads the canteen list outside Slamcaster State Prison, aghast: "This is highway robbery! Chips are up a dollar, milk is up two dollars, cookies are up even more... who can afford these outrageous prices?"

Panel 2. "It's unconstitutional! I only make eleven cents an hour. It takes two months to afford a measly bar of soap." His friend: "PREACH!"

Panel 3. At a podium before a fired-up crowd: "It's impossible to live this way. The only way I can afford to EAT is if my family sends me money from home." "It's criminal!" "Pay prisoners a living wage!" "STRIKE!"

Panel 4 — Later, at the canteen. A shadowy voice: "Psssst! Drugs for sale..." Immediate answer: "SOLD! Gimme $300 dollars worth." An inmate hauls off bags stuffed with chips, coffee, cookies, and soup, receipt for $300 in hand.

One sprawling chow-hall scene. Vinnie stands with his tray and milk carton, thinking: "I hate eating in the chow hall..." Around him, the room roars: "And then I set the house on fire." "My hep-C is clearing up." "Can you hold my knife?" "What's that smell?" "I want to kill my celly." "I want to kill myself." "I want to kill you both." "Bitch cheated on me..." "Drugs for sale!" "My other car is a Lexus." "Does this tattoo make my gang look big?" "Can I borrow a soup?" "My water tastes like rotten milk." "My milk tastes like rotten eggs." "My eggs taste like a fart in the face." A sign reads: "One year down, ninety-nine to go..." In the corner, two mice: "I don't know how they stomach this garbage." "Squeak."

Panel 1. A guard lays down the law: "All prisoners must find a cellmate. Refusal will result in disciplinary action." Vinnie: "Yes sir. What are my options?"

Panel 2 — The options. A police-lineup of candidates, each labeled: Tweeker, Gassy, Napolean Complex, Bully, Hannibal Lector, Shotcaller, Best Friend (codependent), American Me, and Waldo (waving from the back).

Panel 3 — The options, continued. Shanked His Last Cellmate, Charles Manson, Gang-Banger, Jailhouse Thief, Master Blaster, Booty Bandit, Hitler Moustache, and Close Talker (filling the entire frame with his face).

Panel 4. Vinnie asks the yard: "Any suggestions?" "Watch out for Charles Manson, he's SUCH a drama queen." "It's like looking for a husband. The good ones are all taken." A heart-eyed inmate pipes up: "I'm NOT taken!" — labeled "Boycrush Bob."

Panel 1. The loudspeaker crackles: "Inmate Amadeo: report to medical!" The tier scrambles: "Where's Amadeo?" "He's not in his cell..." "Yo! Amadeo!" "Amadeeee-ooo..."

Panel 2. "Amadeo is at work." "Someone should tell his boss." A goggled "helpful inmate" raises his hand: "I'll go!"

Panel 3 — Ten minutes later. The helpful inmate reaches Amadeo's boss: "Excuse me sir, medical just called Amadeo." The boss: "Sure they did. GET LOST."

Panel 4 — The next day. A guard confronts Vinnie: "Amadeo! You're in big trouble for refusing medical yesterday." Vinnie, baffled: "I refused medical?" The helpful inmate: "He admits it!"

Panel 1. Two silhouettes in a dim room. One confides: "Do you ever feel like the walls are closing in?"

Panel 2. "Like minutes are hours and days are all swirling together like sugar-free syrup in a bottomless bowl of industrial grade powdered-oatmeal?"

Panel 3. "Or like you're turning into a robot because you're not allowed to have feelings or make any mistakes?" His thought bubble shows a robot going "BEEP! BOOP!"

Panel 4. "Am I going crazy bro? Tell me the truth!!" The lights come up on his confidant: the dayroom hot-water dispenser. "I don't know man, I just make hot water..."

Panel 1. An inmate raises both hands: "Guard! May I get in line for canteen?" The guard answers, "No, I’m only shopping the inmates who missed canteen last month."

Panel 2. The inmate asks, "Oh, so why did they miss canteen last month?" The guard says, "Because last month I was shopping inmates who missed out the month before."

Panel 3. The inmate erupts: "What?! And why did they miss canteen the month before??" The guard launches into an ever-shrinking explanation about shopping everyone who missed canteen the month before that, and the month before that.

Panel 4. Grinning beside a canteen window marked "CLOSED," the guard reassures him: "But don’t worry, you’ll totally make it this month."

Panel 1. A nurse tells Vinnie, "You put on another ten pounds, did you stop exercising?" He replies, "I usually jog but we haven’t had yard in months."

Panel 2. The nurse asks, "Why don’t you just exercise in your cell?" Vinnie answers, "There’s not much room for jogging."

Panel 3. "Don’t be silly! There are tons of ways to exercise in your cell," the nurse says. Vinnie reluctantly replies, "Okay..."

Panel 4. Back in the cell, another inmate calls from the top bunk: "Next exercise: toe-touchers. Again." Below him, Vinnie reaches for his toes and counts, "One two three, one two three."

Panel 1. Two inmates watch television in their cell. The announcer says, "Friday the 13th will return after these commercial messages."

Panel 2. The bald inmate says, "If I was Jason, I would have grabbed that guy by his hair." Vinnie replies, "If I was that guy, I would have run away so Jason couldn’t get me."

Panel 3. They silently stare at each other at close range, noticing one man’s bald head and the other’s towering hair.

Panel 4. The bald inmate admits, "There might be something wrong with me..." Vinnie decides, "I’m shaving my head."

Panel 1 — 1980s. A lifer says, "Prison sucks. I miss girls so much." Vinnie replies, "At least we can still get conjugal visits."

Panel 2 — 1990s. The lifer cries, "Oh no! They took away our conjugal visits!" Vinnie answers, "At least we still have girlie-magazines."

Panel 3 — 2000s. The lifer says, "I can’t believe it, they took away our girlie-magazines!!" Vinnie asks, "What are we gonna do now? There’s nothing left!"

Panel 4. The lifer leans toward Vinnie and says, "There’s ‘something’ left..." Vinnie raises his hand and shouts, "GUARD!!"